2019 is me letting (you) go

its been so long since my very last and I'm so inactive to a point that this is the second post for this year so much has happened throughout the year and I honestly can't wait for this year to end, 

cause this year has been extremely emotionally and mentally challenging

here I am again continuing this after I stopped the previous paragraph since last week

for some reason

I need a lot of mental preparation to write this

and this is probably gonna be the most depressing blog I've ever written ha-ha!

coming back,

I've made a decision on letting go 2 different friendships

friendships that I can't see myself holding on in the long run

and sometimes

I question myself if I'm asking too much

but then I also don't get how some people just don't care

I got into university thinking I wouldn't grow attachment on anyone if possible 

knowing the fact that I'm pretty scared of getting hurt from being ditched by them someday

or maybe they would just no longer contact you after graduation day 

 but still,

I somehow got attached to this friend whom I thought we would stick around on a 24/7 basis, 

go through uni shit together and many more

and which we did, but only for a certain period after we got close till she got into a relationship

I remember at the beginning stage of the relationship,

everybody was teasing me about how she's gonna eventually leave

not gonna lie it kinda hurts

though I acted as if I was okay with it and was constantly denying on her behalf

thinking that she would never do that

 guess what disappoints me the most is when of all people, 

she decided to prove me wrong about not ditching me over her new relationship

and what hurts the most is when I'm putting effort into maintaining their relationship

but it doesn't seem like she's putting the effort into keeping our friendship

but I'm under no obligation to tell her about my disappointment cause it's her choice anyways

I learned my lesson from any of the previous friendships that had the same issue

and not to try defend them in order to keep the friendship

what's ironic is when for a matter of fact you're being told certain things

and you wish you could tell the person involved 

but then you're not so sure of the outcome/ consequences

and that made me felt extremely guilty

I've experience things like being honest towards a couple

but I got stabbed back 

and that haunt me quite a bit till today

therefore I'm very aware of what might/ would happen with my acts

this time,

I feel like it's time to let go

there's probably both sides of the story 

and I wouldn't be able to know it all

but one thing's for sure is that

I genuinely adored this friendship

to a point it hurts way more than a fucking break up

the amount of things that we have done for each other 

what we have told each other 

I remember them all

and that's what hurts most I guess

remembering what used to be and realizing everything is non of the ones said today

speaking of my other friendship

we have been friends for half a decade if not more

started off with so many interest and mindset in common

we vibe well, really well

we ran the school events and activities so much together

we had so many things we would wanna do together

but we eventually drifted away from each other ever since she went to college 

we just grew apart

mentally, emotionally and physically 

it came to a point where we no longer hangout

we eventually differed mentally

we had different opinions on certain topics

we were against each other's idea at some point 

and then we just stopped talking 

and from the last time I actually met her at an event 

it was so awkward even saying hi to her

that's when i knew i lost her 

as a friend

this is the friendship I didn't see myself losing

despite the quarrels we might have had back then 

we knew for a fact that we would still hangout in the future 

our childhood idols used to be best friends 

and that partially got us together

we had so much to talk about 

remembering back then when we used to meet each other 24/7

sleepovers at each other's place

both decided to screw their grades cause we just love organizing events a lil way too much 

we love travel, music, sometimes reading 

we see ourselves in each other 

we dream the same thing 

and that's just how we were 

and I loved it 

it's sad losing these friendships

but I know somehow I won't be able to keep it 

just because we no longer vibe the same thing

we don't talk the same language in mind 

we no longer get excited seeing each other 

we don't understand each other anymore

or at least 

we no longer try 

I've tried 2 different approaches 

and I honestly have no idea which works better

cause it seems to be the same for me

I still lost it

and all I hope now is that 

the ones I still hold dearly 

remains and stay 

friends hold a huge part of my life 

sometimes a lil too much 

but I hold everyone in my life dearly

just because they deserve the love that they give

and I hope whoever who's reading this

always remember that

take care of the ones that you love, 

but take even better care of the ones that love you

till next time, 

love, cla xx