11.20 p.m. thing

It's been a while since I last blog, and again, I feel like I'm writing the same old openings for all of my blog posts. Anyways, I just needed somewhere for me to talk about things I had in my mind for a while now. This pandemic has been insane. Who would have thought it would actually last for more than a year and how long more is it gonna continue to stay this way. Throughout this one year, I tried my very best to find true joy in whatever I do even if its the smallest things that matter. I drained my energy working so hard I barely had time for myself to catch my breath, but honestly, I enjoyed it though. As much as I wished to continue like this, I know my body wouldn't be able to catch up with the speed of the greed I had in me. Therefore, I'm taking a short break from hectic schedules, though, I'm still working my very best on a lot of things.

There's one particular thing that I can't shake off from my mind these days, and its the thought of how friendship no longer excites me. I've probably said this so many times in the past, but I sometimes really wonder if I'm actually asking too much in a friendship/ relationship. I probably had too many imaginations of wanting a perfect friendship since I was young that reality crushes it so hard. When I was young, I dreamt of staying with my best friends together, hanging out during our free times and sharing everything we have together, the truth now is that, I don't want a single of it. You probably get so sick of it that you'll come to a point of not even wanting to see each other's face, or maybe it's just how I feel its gonna be like. I'm not sure, but I don't like the kind of disappointment I get every single time when something I do not expect to happen actually happens (IDK if that makes sense but yea). What makes it worst for me to feel all of these so intensely, is the fact that I feel even more lonely than when I was actually physically alone. I tried doing the same thing as well, trying my very best to blend in and get used to it, but honestly, how do people even do that cause its literally taking a toll on me for being this ignorant.

Understanding that everything has its time and place, and everyone has their own life too, is also the reason why things like this no longer excite me. Everyone around me is so busy living the life they aspire to have, and that's when I slowly realised no one actually has time to listen to you or entertain you. So many times when I tried to initiate something, but the response is so half-hearted it's so obvious that you can't even try to ignore how ingenuine the respond is (even just by thinking of it now I find it ironic haha). And because of this, I started to slowly drift away from replying to people cause you realise they REALLY don't care. For the past year, I've been trying to find many ways to entertain myself despite knowing how at some point its gonna break me. I haven't had proper human interaction/ communication for a while now and its starting to hit me really hard on how I don't see myself being able to handle this any longer... which gave me a brand new intention/ goal.

I thought I was being absurd of having that crazy idea but I had an hour-ish talk with my mom and she's supporting the idea on top of the current issue that's going on globally. I'm not very sure, but what I wanted to do a few years back is starting to come rushing back to me, making me eager to do it. And at this point, there's nothing much sentimental holding me back, except for this time it's totally different because family is all that I can think of. I haven't really thought this through, but I'm gonna find a way to do it.

I thought I had more things that I was gonna talk about but I realised my thoughts now is empty, I can't really think of saying anything right now. I'm assuming its a good thing(?) I guess that's it for now, and to be honest, I'm not even sure if whatever that I said above made sense, but I really just need to untangle that train of thoughts that I've been struggling with for a while now.

Till next time, Cla x