12.57 a.m. thought

It’s 12.57 a.m.,

It’s also my first post for 2019.

Feel like writing a lil more casual today.

Just felt like its gonna be a lil diary or journal.

Watched a movie,

took a shower,

did my skin care regimen,

now here I am on my bed writing to you.

Currently listening - Bruno Major’s Easily.

I’ve been reading a lot; poetries, memoir, books, blogs.

Not sure if that’s the reason why my writing changed(?)

Anyways,

just felt like doing some thought post right now.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately.

I’ve spent a few days back in hometown spending more time with my grandpa.

Living the slow pace life, I’ve never imagined.

I saw a post earlier this morning when I woke up,

(technically yesterday morning) that said,

“I wasn’t myself for months and nobody noticed”

and I felt that.

I struggled mentally quite a bit the past 2 months, or even way before that.

I’ve no idea how to do what to do when to do what I should do,

do you get my dilemma? Lol

Anyways, I just felt like a useless person for a few months(?)

I didn’t feel me, though I might be a lil too relaxed and chillin’ my ass off.

I was a lost soul.

I had a best friend who dragged me out on one of the weekends last month,

he brought me to a career fair at KLCC,

I never knew I needed it so badly until I went there,

I thought I was just gonna accompany him to submit his resume for internship,

turned out I was curious about the working industry too.

Went to a few companies I was interested in,

with stupid blanked mind,

I didn’t even know what to ask at that point.

I was blindly asking whatever that came up to my mind at that point.

After a few questions, I started to get a hang of it and know what direction to work on.

Started asking regarding IT related stuff, job scope etc.

I came out feeling super happy and grateful of my friend.

I didn’t feel so clueless after that.

We then went to Kinokuniya.

Honestly, I might have got hit by something.

I didn’t expect to get anything that day,

but I came out with 4 books.

I just felt so motivated to read,

and its not the normal books I’d read.

Currently, finished 2/4,

and honestly, I’m someone who barely reads.

I finished the first book on the 2nd day I got it.

(idek what went through my mind, I was just addicted.)

Coming back,

Lucky me, I was able to have someone to talk to in depth in university.

He’s probably the only person who’s able to convince and boost up my confidence in university.

I like how I'm always able to get some feedback from him instead of what most people would just tell me,

"Aw it's okay it will be over soon", "It'll be fine",

which is shallow and can't really ease my doubt.

I’m grateful he dragged me out to college foyer that night.

We both worked on our own stuff, then he started talking.

(but before that we had dinner together)

From relationship, to goals, to reality, to self-struggle.

We talked about anything everything.

Regarding relationship matter,

he was telling me that many people weren't taught that,

"Love is a state of mind",

therefore they didn't know that it's normal to not feel the love for your partner once in awhile.

You're not expected to feel affectionate for your loved ones 24/7,

and that's normal.

It made perfect sense to me.

At some point I was telling him I honestly have no idea what to do,

sort of lost,

sort of feeling hopeless,

sort of lost my self-motivation and the urge to work hard for something again,

the feeling to get excited about something I love doing.

All he told me was to start everything slowly,

maybe I was too ambitious,

I wanted fast success.

And when I don’t see it, my confidence drops like mad.

I agreed.

He suggested to start from changing small habits,

like waking up early,

or maybe getting a hobby.

It made me feel alive again for some reason.

We talked into the night, forgetting I had a paper the second day.

But it felt good.

It ended with “It was a good one.”

I ended my finals and hangout with my friends for a few days till my dad fetched me home.

I was reading books, watching movies, dramas when I got back.

Accompanied my grandpa for a few days,

now back home again spending my time with my fam,

and there goes another hectic week ahead till my parents are back from their business trip.

It might not be stressful but somehow it kills time damn fast.

1 week spending time with my grandpa,

1 week taking care of my siblings while my parents are away,

and my baby girl coming back from Singapore during the last week is gonna take up a few days from that week.

And there goes the end of my break and beginning of semester 3.

Crazy.

But I realized things are changing.

My sleeping time might not have changed much,

but I’ve been waking up earlier these days,

having proper breakfast and my other meals,

might have even had more meals than usual,

started exercising,

also reading that’s why,

feel like my body is functioning like a proper human should and would.

I gained strength physically and mentally.

I feel good.

I feel mentally and physically great.

It’s something I’ve needed and wanted for a long time.

I hope I’m able to maintain this energy to handle 2019 well.

It’s 2.12 a.m. now,

I shall sleep and get this uploaded tomorrow.

Till next time,

Lots of love. x

- Cla -