ME

Hi again!

I'm so so sorry that I've not been updating for the past 2.5 months as I was rushing for assignments and finals until it ended recently.

But here I am again, doing a comeback stronger than ever.

I was thinking of what I should share as I do have a lot of thoughts in my mind lately, but it's all messed up.

I might be able to clear off this mess when this passage ends. Hopefully.

So, I was having a recap on whatever that has happened ever since this year started. I would say that 2017 is treating me pretty well for now, other than the 2 major cases that happened so far, but I would still say that it's definitely better than 2016 and I hope it stays that way or better than that for the next half of the year.

Do you ever get into a phase where you just don't know what to do with your life?

Like You Just Don't Know.

Especially when you realised that no matter how much or how hard you're pushing yourself to move forward,

it's just never enough?

That you get so exhausted and helpless and nobody could help you out with it, you could stare at the ceiling for hours.

Because that's me. All the time. Especially when I'm extremely burnt out, but things aren't reaching my expectations.

I used to tell my friends, but I don't like to pass the negative vibes to them as I know they have their own problems too.

So I'll always find means and ways to solve it myself.

Nothing much. Just staring at the ceiling and clearing the mess that's roaming my mind.

And until then, it'll all remain as a question mark.

I wanna share what I'm aiming to achieve for this year so badly, but you know there's a saying of keep your goals silent because some people would wanna screw it up for you, so I'm keeping it to myself for now until it happens.

I used to share it to people, but there's only 2 kinds of feedback I'll never fail to receive.

First, "Yeah, you're aiming so high but you're doing so little to achieve it."

People never fail to demotivate me, every single time.

Second, "You sure or not?"

Those moments when people actually look-down and doubt your ability on achieving your goals, are the worst time to be in.

Of all my life, with all the achievements I've unlocked throughout the years, I was always trying to prove them wrong.

People only believe my abilities only after they see my results.

I don't want perceptions like this anymore. I want people to have the confidence in trusting my way on working things out.

So for this year, keeping it silent makes it easier for me to make my moves.

And also, to do it for the sake of myself, to prove it to myself instead.

I'm not sure if it's a very common comment from people about me, that I'm always having a lot of guy friends and so and so.

(I bet you know what I meant.)

Ever since I entered a coed high school, there's non-stop rumours about me with any guys that I'm close with.

Girls get jealous of me being good friend with some guys.

And I'm sure it's gonna continue when I enter university. Nothing new.

It could be anything. And the truth is, none of it is true.

I used to be so frustrated over things like this back then, like constantly thinking what's wrong with people, what's the point of putting me into such position, have I offended someone or what have I done to deserve all these shit.

WHY? Why are you even jealous of the kind of friends I have? Why not create your own kind of friends circle?

But then looking back at it, my friendship must have been so much better than theirs. That's why.

And since then, I couldn't be much bothered with it and let the rumours be.

I mean, if you build up your own friendship with someone else and maintain it as well as you could,

your friends circle could be better than mine.

So why not make your own life better and stop the hate?

Truth is, people who are constantly talking about me behind my back aren't killing me.

First, you're exposing me to everyone else that I know or may not know.

And eventually, people will start to know me.

They might listen to what you said and assume that I'm really such a person,

but that assumption will be gone as soon as they really know me in person.

Why?

Because people are knowing me in person, but people only heard from what you said about me without an evidence.

When these 2 are contradictory, people will automatically prefer to trust me than you.

I don't fake. I can't even fake a smile to people that I dislike.

How do you even lift up your cheek to people without genuinely smiling like how???

Wouldn't it be awkward?

If I'm not close to you, I don't just simply open up to you.

But if we're close enough, you'll have hard time shutting me up.

I don't spend time explaining to people what kind of a person I am, you vibe with me, and you'll eventually understand it.

And at the end of the day, people wonder why my friends circle is so huge.

But they didn't know that they were the ones that created it for me.

Ever since I've graduated from high school, things are changing so quickly.

Friends whom you thought would be friends for life leave you for another new group of people, friends whom you keep them close to you are starting to act so differently after entering college or university and I'm not sure why.

Whenever someone starts to act like a hi-bye friend after graduation,

I would be like "Hmm okay it's normal" to a point that I find it so common now.

I would say that people change when they're in a different environment and when they meet new people.

And at once I used to hold so tight to people and things that I wanted to keep forever.

But now that I know I can't be forcing people to be the way that they should be, even though they went out of way and you tried to help them out, I've let them go.

This comes out stronger than ever until people surrounding me wonder why am I pushing people away.

I'm not pushing people away.

I'm just very cautious of whom I allowed into my life nowadays because people seem to come and go so easily.

No hate, I have mad love for them but sometimes people aren't meant to be in your life forever.

I've acknowledged that.

I no longer care if their actions or words are hurting anyone because my advice were never brought into considerations anyway. Sometimes I thought that being honest and speaking out-front would change a thing. I've even thought that being brutally honest with the people that are closest to you when they're at fault could help them be a better self.

But I was wrong. I realised that not everyone would be able to agree to your point and they'll eventually get mad at it.

Or some people might listen but they'll go back as soon as possible to do the same old thing. So what's the point?

I rest my case and go straight to minding my own business and loving the people that I can't live without.

I'm sure many of you feel the same way as I do as this is one of the process we have to go through while growing up.

Trust the process. Even if it means to lose some friendships and relationship.

And as soon as possible you'll realise that your life is getting so much better that you no longer have to worry about all this.

Really.

It's probably best to write this in the middle of the night when late night thoughts could run wild.

And yes, I've my mind cleared up and it's fresh for now.

I guess I'll stop for now.

Till next time,

Lots of love. x

- Cla -